Happily Ever After

You finally meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You are so excited to see them all the time. You can’t wait to talk to them and tell them everything that has happened in your day. You plan the wedding of your dreams, you get married. You either have kids or you don’t but the same things happen. Years later you come home exhausted and tired. For whatever reason, you find yourself angry at the one person you thought you could never be angry at. Why? You still love them, but there is just something you can’t put your finger on that is missing. This happens to both male and females. While what happens is different it still winds up at the same place. Now this is not every couple, just a very large percent of them.

For women we expect our husbands to do things that we want them to do. Whether it be taking the kids to the park, or cleaning out the garage. Happy wife, happy life. So our husbands will do the things we ask (usually). A woman’s hormones are in constant flux, this makes us unpredictable to say the least. Sometimes our emotions get the best of us, which can put a strain on our marriage. We get mad if our husband continues to not listen to us, and do the things we ask. We are the ones who usually take care of the house and make it a home. A lot of men don’t even recognize some of the stuff in their own home. We will fight with them about little things, like putting laundry next to the hamper instead of inside it. We get so lost in making our homes and life that one of two things happen. Either we forget about our husband’s needs, or he forgets about ours. Either way someone is not as happy as they once were. If we forget our husband’s needs, he will more than likely find those needs outside the home. If he forgets ours, we are more likely to find them outside the home. Our hormones change as we age. We become less nurturing, more selfish, and crave time to do things alone. While we want a man there, he is more of an ‘accessory’ than a husband. Someone to pull out when we need them.

For men it is different, men are very simple creatures. Usually it only takes three things to make a man happy. I call these the three F’s. Flatter them, f-ck them, and feed them. While men do not have the fluctuating hormones that females have. They do lose testosterone as they grow older, which makes them more sensitive and needy. Hormones are in constant flux for both sexes, which make us want new and different things throughout our lives.

It is a set up for failure from the start. So why is it so popular? Society tells us that ‘marriage’ is the ‘right’ thing to do. How many times have your heard the saying, go to school, get married, have kids. As we get older we become more complacent to ‘stay where we are’. Most likely, because we have invested so much money or time and have so much to lose. So we will settle into a life we are not very happy with, because it works. This is why so many people take antidepressants and wind up in therapy. 

Look at it this way. Think about your favorite food. What if you only could have your favorite food every night for the rest of your life? Eventually you would grow to not like it. It is human nature. Our brains crave new things and new experiences to grow and learn. Whenever we ‘settle’ or do the same things over and over, our brain makes us sad because it wants new connections and new things. This is why most marriages don’t work, and even the ones that do, most are not very happy in the end. 

So what is the solution? Well let me start by telling you a story. When I was younger I had a traumatic childhood. So when I got to be an adult I didn’t know much, but I knew I didn’t want a relationship. I had zero desire to get married and have kids. I was nineteen, I had a very strong sex drive, and I had a rocking body. I could have any guy I wanted, but never sought out the ‘hot guy’.

Whenever I got the need for sex, I would ride my bike down a seven mile stretch of water, which was also a popular fishing area. I lived in a tourist place, so the fishermen were pretty much always new people. On my ride down I would just pick a guy out that looked like he needed a good romp, then on my way back I would talk to him and have sex with him. It ALWAYS worked. No matter if the guy was happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. I won’t admit to you the amount of men I slept with in this three year period, as it is a rather large embarrassing number. I will say that it was enough to form some facts. In that whole time I was only turned down twice. One guy was indeed happily married, and the other was gay. I always made it clear that it was a one time deal. I did not go back for seconds because that is how things get messy. It was so easy, I could not believe how easy it was. That is when I formed the opinion that guys are only as faithful as their next option.  

I would say most of the men I slept with during this time were in a long term relationship. All of them had several things in common. They were not the most attractive men, their partners did not treat them very well, and they hadn’t had sex in a very long time. I look back and I tell myself, that in a way, I offered a community service. It was a one time, non committal, anything goes romp, no one would ever find out, and I would never see them again. Afterwards they would feel guilty and go home to their partners and realize how good they have it. They would feel more at ease ‘settling’. More happy within the life they had. 

I know it was wrong, immoral, and disgraceful what I did. It hurt my soul in more ways than I care to admit. I was strong though, and I did not mind ‘taking one for the team’. After all, I did wind up saving a lot of marriages. So in the end, how wrong was it?

It wasn’t until later on in life I would put the pieces together and it would all make sense. These men were in a way all broken. I don’t know why, but in my life I tend to like the broken ones, whether it be people or animals. Maybe because I know the pain that comes with being broken and can understand it. More than anything, I have a deep desire to fix it. 

We are taught our whole lives that ‘cheating is wrong’. Why? Because our homes are our safety. They are where we feel comfortable, cared for, and loved. They are the safe haven we run back to when life gets complicated and hard. They are the bubble that protects us from the world. So when someone in that bubble betrays us, we feel hurt and pain. We feel like someone pulled our safety net away from us. 

Most people who have a lasting marriage will usually tell you that one of the main keys is open communication. Somewhere along the lines in a marriage we lose this. We feel like our partner will not understand, or it will hurt their feelings, so we stop telling them everything. However, secrets have a way of getting out. So as bad as you feel now, you will feel worse later. It is better that they hear the truth from you, then to find out on their own.

 Now I am going to tell you a little about my own marriage. I have been married for almost thirty years. I swore up and down when I was younger that I would NEVER be like one of ‘those’ women. Women who never had sex with their partner, and treated them badly. I would never be like that! Yet here I am, EXACTLY like that.

My husband lived next door to me. We were friends with benefits for years before we were married. His ideas and my ideas were a lot alike. He was the only one in those three years that I would go back to again and again for sex. He wound up in a relationship with a woman. 

Three years into having sex with all the guys it started to wear on me. I watched as my future husband’s relationship with this woman blossomed. She was everything a mother would want for her son. All of a sudden, I wanted to be the one guys took home to meet their moms. I wanted the house and safe haven. I was not the kinda girl mothers wanted their sons to be with. I was very sexual, I couldn’t cook, and I was dumb. Most of my school education took place while I was institutionalized, so it wasn’t the greatest.

So I met this boy who seemed nice enough and started to ‘date’. His mother hated me. He was a virgin, and I broke him. I tried my best to settle down and be the ‘good girl’ that I was suppose to be. In the end though, I would wind up having sex with his brother, and best friend who were also virgins. 

Out of nowhere one night my future husband, just a sex buddy at the time, told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. He asked me if I broke up with my boyfriend, he would break up with his girlfriend. It was everything I wanted to hear, but almost too late. I already knew I couldn’t be a normal wife. However, I really started to like this man over the years. The sex was the best I had ever had, we were like minded. He was strong and independent, and I liked my freedom. So I broke up with my boyfriend that night.

Our marriage was incredible and awesome at first. Then two kids, five years, and a move halfway across the country, I started to hate this man I once loved. I went down a dark rabbit hole. Like I said, I had a very traumatic childhood, that I never dealt with. As I grew older the cracks started to show from it. I did a lot of crazy things, and things I am not proud of. We wound up separated for a brief period, then got back together. It took a VERY long time and A LOT of understanding to get where we are today. Most couples would not survive the things we went through, so I know a little about sacrifice to make a marriage work. That being said, my marriage is not role model material by any standards.  

So what is the solution? In a perfect world, you can have your cake and eat it too. This is 2025, morals are not what they used to be. Religion does not play a significant role in people’s lives anymore. The typical family hardly exists. People get divorced at the first sign of a problem, rather then working things out. Even in two person households, both people are working. Gone are the days that the woman stays home and takes care of the kids, and house, while the husband goes off to work. The family dynamic has changed over the years, so why shouldn’t our marriages adapt to the times as well? After all “The branch that doesn’t blow with the breeze, breaks”.   

While I am sure that some people out there will always believe cheating is wrong and immoral. We are living in a time where you have to keep an open mind. Make sure you treat your partner with the respect they deserve. Do the things they need without them asking for it. Instead of getting mad at life’s nuisances, embrace them. For example, get them their favorite coffee, or candy. Find out your partners hobby. Cars, golfing, photography, sports, gaming, the gym, or whatever they like to do. Get them something for this hobby out of the blue. If you can’t get them anything, then encourage them in their hobby. It is little things like this that say ‘I love and support you.’ 

If you want to bury your head in the sand and think that it is ok just the way it is. Just remember that there are always going to be broken girls and guys like me out there. We may be the person on the bike, the store associate, the flight attendant, the waitstaff, and even the coworker. We are ready, willing and able to give your partner what you do not. So if you truly want ‘happily ever after’, be willing to compromise and keep an open mind.