The Truth About Suicide
That no one talks about
Twice in my life I have cheated death. Life dealt me a very traumatic and horrible life. Filled with sexual abuse, and abandonment. The final nail was a rare illness that left me paralyzed and in a coma. My body was kept alive by machines, and I still would not die. I had to learn to walk all over again, only to be left permanently disabled. Every one would tell me how “lucky” I am to have survived, and to be able to walk again.
I did not feel “lucky”. I felt cheated. I was picked on, talked down too. Life WILL kick you when you are down. It will run over you, back up and run over you again. I felt this emotional pain that was unlike anything I have ever felt before. For years I tried to “look on the positive side.” But it was a losing battle. In the end I would choose death to save me from the pain.
Suicide – A permanent solution to a passing problem. Those words will forever be etched in my head. For years and years I fought the pain, the loneliness, and the sadness. I went to therapy, I made friends, I went out, I tried medication, I got married, I had kids, I tried drinking the pain away, and I was even institutionalized, but in the end nothing worked. Nothing took away that deep empty hole inside me. I wanted the pain to stop, and I could not take it anymore. I was permanently broken and could never be fixed. Feeling trapped and defeated I made the choice to end my life. That is the day I died.
About seventeen hours after I made that fateful decision. I was found and taken to the hospital. Even with three times the lethal dose of a drug in my system, lips purple, stomach gone, body shutting down, I survived. I woke up three days later, in a hospital bed, in the ICU. Behind the nurses station I saw a big OD next to my name. All I could think of was, Great, I can’t even kill myself right. I was so angry. I will never get rid of this pain, I will never feel normal. Why can’t I just die?
Seeing that OD next to my name enraged me. I was put on medication, and sent to yet another institution. This one promised to be better, as they had a higher success rate with “kids like me.” I remember sitting in this group of broken kids, listening to their horrible stories, and thinking. Life really just sucks. There is no happy ending, there is no rainbow at the end of this crap. It is just one thing after another tearing you apart until the end. No one seemed to understand the pain I was feeling. Unless someone has this pain, they will NEVER understand it.
Imagine the worst emotional pain you have ever felt, that moment you hurt so much, everything else went black. Now triple it. THAT is what people like me feel every day of our lives. That is what we fight every day!! When we do something bad and are chastised it hurts us down to our core. There is NOTHING that people can say to us, that we haven’t already told ourselves a hundred times. You are useless, you are ugly, you are fat, you are a liar, you are worthless, you are a bad mother/father, and on and on. People, friends, and therapists can say we are not those things over and over. However, deep down, we will never believe them.
So with all that going on in my head, I was able to accomplish things and have a great life. I am the very small percentage that makes it to the other side. How? I would like to tell you some magic secret to make it all go away. There is not one! You have to stop thinking that someday the pain is going to end. It will never end. You will have to fight it every day of your life for the rest of your life. Some days will be easier than others. Sometimes months may go by when you feel so good. However it WILL come crashing down. Life never gives us what we want!
The honest truth about suicide, is that there is no amount of drugs, no amount of friends, no amount of therapy, no amount of family that will ever stop someone like me from taking their own life. People who are left behind often wonder if there was something more they could have done. They blame themselves, or they are totally astonished that a person loved so deeply can do this to them. I am here to tell you right now that there is NOTHING you could have done that would have made a difference. When people like me make that choice, that is all we see. We see an end to our suffering. We don’t see the children we leave behind (They will be better off without me.) We don’t see the spouse or lover left behind. (They need to find someone who will give them the love they deserve. I will just drag them down.) We don’t see the family trying to help. (I am just a burden to them.) Someone with a terminal illness will be in extreme physical pain in the end, and we will give them morphine to ease them into death. Someone like me who makes the suicide choice is no different. We are in an excruciating amount of pain that we will NEVER be able to overcome.
I have seen it over and over again throughout my life. Talking about past abuse and events does no one any good. All it does is drudge up more bad feelings that are better left buried. It makes the pain worse! I have seen people with absolutely no trauma whatsoever, who have had loving parents, great childhoods, perfect spouses, still take their own lives. Because it is not about your past!!! That pain may have been generated by your past, but it is certainly not what fuels it.The fuel is life itself, that is why so many of us see death as a welcoming friend.
I decided to write this, to let you know that there is another way! For those of you who have tried meds, therapy, self medicating, friends, family, and have admitted defeat and are ready to end it, then this is for you. While it may not work for everyone, I hope it will at least help one person to choose life instead. For those of you in this situation, or know someone in this situation the first thing to do is realize, you are NOT alone.
The only real way through this is acceptance. Accept the fact that NOTHING you ever do will change it. Getting a new house, having a baby, changing your job, going to a different school, finding a new lover, ect ect.. You are and always will be broken!! That pain you feel will never go away. You have to accept that you will be dealing with it till the day you die. You have to find a way to live with the pain. Name it, yell at it, but don’t give into it. You ARE worth it! Don’t be afraid to ask for help! Call someone in the middle of the night. Show up on someone’s doorstep. Talk to some random internet person. If you don’t know what to say, just simply stand there and say “I am sad.” Accept the fact that you are gonna suck the life out of people around you, and that is OK. You need to find friends that let you do this.
Don’t listen to sad music, don’t watch sad shows, and just avoid sad things all together. YOU can’t handle sadness, you will NEVER be able to handle sadness. Just like an alcoholic should avoid bars. Someone like you, should avoid sad things. In life sometimes sad things happen that you can not control. Loved ones will pass, you may not get into the school you wanted, your love might cheat on you. No matter what though, you have to keep in mind that you can not dwell on these things. Sad town is an OK place to visit, but don’t pack a bag and move in.
You will know when the pain is starting to win a bit. Those are the times you need to run, run like your life depends on it. Let the pain chase you, but stay in front of it. Go over to a friend’s house. Call someone on the phone. If you have no one, call the suicide help line, that is what they are there for. Whatever you do, don’t be alone. If you have no choice but to be alone, watch a stand up comedy special, or go to a comedy show. It does help. Most of the funniest comedy comes from the most hurtful pain. Laughter really is the best medicine. Sometimes laughing at your pain is the best way to deal with it. It is hard to be sad when someone is smiling at you. If all else fails, help someone else. Whether it is to give a homeless man a sandwich, a stranger a smile or a Twitch streamer a follow. Helping other people, really will help yourself. “Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.” -James Barrie
When my life was at its hardest, I collected positive quotes and I would put them on Post It notes all over the place in my house and room. On mirrors, screens, doors, ect. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt. Those quotes everywhere literally saved my life!
It is not easy, and it will never be easy. But always keep this in the back of your mind. Suicide is a permanent solution to a passing problem.
